Yep, you read it….I was once a single mom. I was once, an unmarried mother.
**I’d personally like to stop and talk about what I define as a single mom…see to me single mom is unmarried. Most people like to justify the stereotype of single moms by saying if she has someone helping her she’s not single. Nope. I don’t agree. You are single until you are married. (Operative word here) (single never married mom)
Anyways, I was a single mom, to my daughter Grace for 4 years until I married my now husband.
You want to know my one confession about being a single mom?
Come close…are ya listening??
I ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY HATED EVERY MOMENT OF BEING A SINGLE MOM.
I loved being a mom, DO NOT get me wrong.
But I hated not being able to share such precious moments such as being a mom for the first time, and pregnancy woes, and maternity pictures, and my first baby shower, and delivery with my husband. I hated it.
Phew, talk about a confession!
I hated the fact that my journey to motherhood was a different path, and although I had noone to be mad at but my own self for the poor decisions that I made, I still didn’t like it. I felt it was a life prison sentence. A big one. I was going to be wearing the orange jumpsuit with “single” on the back and chains for life.
Who will love me….AND a kid?
Who will forgive me for not saving myself for marriage?
How will I marry someone and we will coexist as one and then will he accept my daughter as one and his own too?
What will happen when I have other kids?
Will I have other kids??
All these questions I kept asking myself every month that went by…
I grew to be very bitter about everything, and I do mean everything. I just couldn’t have happiness I thought to myself. Everyone around me could, but not me. I would be stuck doing life alone with my daughter wishing everyday that we could have a real family.
Finally, I had a huge slap in the face moment….I realized that I had drifted so far from God, that I never stopped and confessed my pains and hurt to Him, and ask Him for forgiveness and guidance as a single mom.
I was in a double single state…I hadn’t gotten with God about everything that had happened since finding out I was pregnant and I had let the devil turn me into one ugly person because I didn’t want to deal with any of it.
I think this part of my journey as a single mom was very important because in order for God to bless me and to help me through this and allow me to learn from it, I had to stop and talk to Him. I had to get clear and repent. I had to. There was no way that I was going to be able to get through the nitty gritty without getting on my knees and asking God to forgive me for giving up the ONE thing he asked me to save for my future husband.
“But it’s too late!?”
“I’m damaged goods now!”
Those were some of the things I was thinking as I was talking to God about what direction I took in my life…and He simply told me to hush – don’t make it a habit to keep having kids out of wedlock, and that He forgave me! (*I’m thankful me and God have a very clear conversation style!*)
It took a huge heaping of sacrifice and humility for me to stop and face the pain that I was dealing with. I had to stop blaming others for my choices and I had to wake up and be the mom I knew I could be.
I am not saying that I was a bad mom, no I was a great mom….I just had this overlying cloud of my poor choices that was flying over me and it was causing me to suffer.
With a lot of prayer, forgiveness, suffering, pain, heartache, tears, studying, and coming clean to get me to a place where I was happy with myself.
“It is by God’s grace, you have been saved”
Hmm…that’s interesting….because I have a daughter named Grace. Here I was so lost in the single aspect of being a mom…God had to stop and remind me that through His love…no matter what I may feel inside…that He has forgiven me and it’s gonna be okay and that I am NOT alone, and if I forget even for the slightest moment….He would tell me…”look at your Grace!”
Look at her! Look at the reason why you don’t have to be bitter or angry, or feel like your in jail.
“My grace is sufficent!” “I am enough for you Angel!”God opened my ears to those wonderful things, and I no longer felt imprisoned by a mere title.
I was single….for now….but I was a mom for life.
I know I was not the only single mom out there who was hoping and praying to God for a husband who would see beyond me having a kid, and love us as one!
I know I’m not the only one who felt that they are in a lifelong sentence of not having a husband to share and care for.
I know I am not the only person who hated being a single mom.
For those women who feel the same way, just know our choices put us in the situation that we are in, hands down. We have to be the change we want to see.
You want to break the cycle…break it.
Get connected with God, find strength, hope, love, togetherness and justification in Him!
Marriage won’t fix things….it starts with us- we have to learn to love ourselves.
God hears our hearts, yes…we messed up his initial plan for us…but His plan for our lives is so much greater and stronger that we just have to trust in his graciousness and know that He loves us!